Here I am sitting at the airport on my way home! I’m very excited for a few reasons. 1. I get to see my babies. 2. I will hopefully get to see my best friend. 3. I get to see my, I guess he is my boyfriend. In case you have been following along, I am married. We have hit a bit of a rough patch, trying to decide if I want to continue to work on it or if I am done. I have been trying to keep our connection and have been met with very little reciprocity. It’s not until I have kind of shut down that my husband wants to put in some effort. Telling me that I have shut down and seem distant when he tries to love on me. A day late and a dollar short my love.
My boyfriend; we were together for 4 years, 2014-2018. We had a small reunion five years ago, when my nephew passed away. I was not married yet and we were having some intimacy issues. Sound familiar? We had a great love, the kind of love that people search their whole lives for. It was absolute magic and made me feel like I could concur anything with this man by my side. He was/is a heavy drinker. It never bothered me, what got me was when he got into hard drugs. I’m not sure when in our relationship his addiction started, but it ruined our relationship. I held on for as long as I could but I did have my children to think about. During all this my mother was also living with me, and in active addiction. How had this become my life? How did I end up surrounded by addicts and them being people that I loved beyond words. I will have to dive deeper into that in another week.
Where I am with my husband & boyfriend; me and Joel had a good talk yesterday. I let him know how I was feeling, which he knew already. I told him that he stopped being present in our marriage a long time ago. He did finally see a doctor about his ED. He did get some medication and was told he has positional ED. Apparently when he is laying down he cannot get an erection but he can when he is sitting in an upright position. I have yet to try this out since I feel like our disconnect has went deeper than physical. It has, after all, been 7 months since we have had sex. He told me during our talk that it is okay to love more than one person, love is not linear. I told him that I was going to continue to talk with Marcus. He also knows that I will be seeing him on this trip home. He said that we can open our marriage if I want or we can separate if I want to. Right now what I want is to be in th arms of Marcus. To experience the love that never left with him. I have tried to let him go for seven years and it is not happening. I am very ready to be loved by him again. I should feel like I’m making a mistake but there is no doubt in my mind for whatever reason. Joel assured me that as long as I was honest with him then he wouldn’t be mad. When he dropped me off at the airport this morning, I leaned in to kiss him goodbye and he was hesitant. Even after he assured me abut everything in our talk. I’ll see what that was about when I get back. I am moving home in the Summer, Joel will be staying where he is stationed. There will definitely be more to this story. Until then I will happily be loved by Marcus like I know I deserve.
Thank you for coming, again. I appreciate you!